My Mama is sleeping in the bed next to me. Here in Singapore! Never thought the day would come when I’d have family visiting me.  Too bad Mike, Ysa and Lexie can’t stay longer... I miss Lexie! I like having a baby in the house.

I am comfortable in my own skin and I like living independently, but I can say that being around my family brings me to a totally different level of comfort and ease.  I feel and act differently when I am interacting with family than with other people, I get this sense of peace and of lightness. I wish I can be more articulate but that is the best I can describe it.

There are times that I get aggravated with some members of my crazy family but the older I get, the more I realize how important they are to me. I realize that my siblings and I were lucky that we were brought up well by our parents. Growing up, we saw how they had concern for their own parent (only Lola, my father’s mom was alive then) and siblings or even cousins.  I am fortunate that my siblings and I have not quarrelled to the point of completely cutting off one of us from our lives. Despite occasional quarrels I can honestly say that we are a close knit family- something that I always thank God for. I also pray that it will be so until we all get old.

Thursday morning Mama will go back to Manila and I will go back to my life here.  Good thing I have the trip home in January to look forward toJ.

I don’t know if it is just me, but when I have negative thoughts in my head I feel in my chest. It gets  a bit harder to breathe, it feels like my chest is constricted. This is probably what they call a heavy heart.

I am a very patient person and I always try to see the good in people.  I try not to hold grudges and I always forgive. I do this mostly for selfish reasons, because I don’t like having a troubled mind and and a heavy heart. Why suffer when I have the choice not to right?

But lately my patience and goodwill is being tried. I feel that sooner or later I’m going to snap and I am going to give up on someone. And I don’t want that to happen.

And that heavy heart that I mentioned? I feel it now. If I just give up I will feel it too. I’m damned either way. What should I do?

Sometimes I wish that I am not the person that I am. My life would be easier if I am more tough.

I've just written a very long rant, pressed the wrong key on my laptop and lost it all. Fu****k!!!!!

Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't rant at all. Okay since it's late and I don't want to rewrite that again, let's just say I've been having a lot of bad days lately and mostly it is because of work. I'm tired, disheartened and frustrated. I'm smoking again, not exercising and I've no routine in my life. I need to find something that will motivate me and help me get back to my happy, positive self.

Help!

I am so out of touch with the world today and I seldom get the chance to read or watch news. I managed to catch TV Patrol two nights ago and saw Gloria Arroyo saying this (condescendingly):

“The world embraced EDSA in 1986. The world tolerated EDSA II in 2001. The world will not forgive an EDSA III, but it will instead condemn the Philippines as a country whose political system is hopelessly unstable.”

WHAT A FREAKING HYPOCRITE!

She belittled the event just by her saying that. How dare she say it, when she only became the President because of EDSA 2? How can she say it when she participated in it herself, even if she only supported it at the last hour?

Fine, it does seem that Filipinos like to go out to the streets whenever they are dissatisfied with the government like what happened with the two EDSAs, but I still think that those two events happened because they needed to happen. EDSA 2 happened because the people were already tired of being lied and the Senators then had the nerve to do it on National TV. What’s worst, we were mocked by Senator Aquino-Oreta when she did that sort of victory jig. That was the last straw, and that was what brought the people to EDSA, so they can let out their frustration and ask for change.

I've been doing this year ender entry for at least three years now and I am bit late this time since it's already 2009. Let's just pretend it's still 31Dec2008. Here's my 2008 year ender entry!

1. What did you do this year that you've never done before?  I've been thinking about this and I'm coming up empty. Isn't that sad?! I didn't do anything new this year!

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't think I had any for 2008 and I don't want to make new ones. Those that I didn't keep from years before are the same ones that I would put on my list now :). Let's just say I have goals; one is to totally quit smoking (again!) and 2. to save money.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth this year?  Nope, but my sister in law is giving birth in a few days. I will have a new niece!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully none.

5. What countries did you visit this year? Thailand again.

6. What would you like to have in the next year that you lacked this year?  A savings account, a partner, a camera- in no particular order. Same ones I wrote last year except the laptop because I got one now :).

7. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory - and why? No memorable date this year. The only date that is etched in my mind is my hiring date in Starwood, 16Jan2008. Lame isn't it?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? It's not that big, but I guess doing good at work. 2008 is all about my work.

9. What was your biggest failure of the year? Same as the past two years, still not paying off all my bills.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope, but I've been getting headaches a lot and my eyesight is not as good as it was last year.

11. What was the best thing you bought this year? My laptop.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration (a public or private personality)?  can't think of anyone.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Some people :)

14. Where did most of your money go this year? To the dentist, my trip home, laptop, and things I needed for work.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about this year? Going home to Manila. The Eheads reunion concert.

16. What song will always remind you of this year? No song again.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? Not sadder or happier. Steady.
- richer or poorer? Richer, in a way.
- thinner or fatter? thinner

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd travelled more!

20. How did you spend the holidays? Christmas at our place with our friends; New Year's Eve at Clearwater. Both times I was sober and slept early. Man, I am getting old!

21. Did you fall in love this year? No but I wish I had.

22. How many one-night stands did you have this year? None. and I don't think

23. What was your favorite TV program for the year? Grey's Anatomy, Lobo, Ellen, Oprah, Run's House.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Nope. I don't hold grudges.

25. What was the best book you read this year? A Thousand Splendid Suns. Twilight was also good.

26. What was your favorite film of the year? Nothing stands out! Although I didn't watch a lot of movies this year.

27. How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year? More corporate due to the dress code in the office.

28. Whom did you miss this year? My family back home, my father still. My friends in Manila. I seldom talk to them now.

29. Who was the best new person you met this year? :)

30. What have you learned this year? I've been thinking about this for the past three days but I still don't have an answer. I guess 2008 wasn't much of a year for me!

I hope the first five days of 2009 will not be an indication of how this year will be for me. I have had a hellish start to the year! It's just actually a carry over of how I was feeling for the latter part of 2008.  I'm just so demotivated, uninspired, unappreciated, discontented, pissed, frustrated and very very very very tired. I am so freaking tired!

Last year my life pretty much revolved around my work. It was already stressful from the start, but the last quarter of 2008 got so busy it was crazy! There were major changes to the team, to how things are done and just the dynamics of the group. There were also fewer people working because they were clearing their leaves but there were more work to do. My office feels like a place of business, serious business, but you can still find some bits of fun. Now fun nonexistent.

I've done this kind of work for 6 years now and I know it can get tedious. Whenever it did before I always manage to get over it and I still find something to be happy about or just something to hang on to when it gets too much. Not this time.  

It's  sad that I am so busy with something that is tedious. I've tried to vary things a bit, to change the routine but there's really nothing that I can do to make me feel better about what I do. I take calls when there are calls and answer e-mails when I am not on the phone. At the same time I need to figure out which case I need to prioritize and put off those that  can be put off. When that happens I end up with a lot of unfinished work that I will only have the time to do when I am not required to be available to take calls. And the only time that I am not required to take calls is when my shift has ended. So I stay back and finish what I can and do the same thing the next day.

When I am not thinking of work (which seldom happens now) I think of the things that want to do, need to do or haven't done. I am just constantly thinking and it tires me. I want time to just sit still, or read or just do nothing. I want to find the time to just relax and recharge.

I know that I should just be thankful that I have a job, and I am. I do feel guilty about feeling this way and I have tried my very best to be content and happy. I avoided complaining or whining even when there is a reason to do so. I find happiness in the littlest things and use that to cover those that I am dissatisfied with. I guess I've just reached my limit and I've run out of optimism.

After everything that I wrote here I still feel that I have not articulated correctly the way
I am feeling now. My mind is just a jumble of thoughts, my mouth is itching to rant to someone with willing ears. I want peace of mind, happy thoughts, to be inspired. I want to wake up in the morning excited about the coming day and not the end of that day. It doesn't take much to make me happy and I want to be happy.

I guess that says it all. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN. 

Whenever I try to update my blog I end up just not doing so because I will write about the same thing. I start with trying to think what I've been up to, realize that I've been up to nothing, get bored with myself and end up spending hours in Facebook looking at nothing in particular. Not very productive.

My blog turned five last October, and I felt that it's a waste for me to neglect it now. Sooo even if I find myself boring, I will start writing. Maybe I can get the old habit back. Here goes.

Work's still keeping me busy- busier in fact. I've been staying back at least an hour or two a day when I never had to it before, at least not daily. There was a time that it really got so stressful that I went back to smoking. Anything just to de-stress! It's gotten a bit better now. Just a wee tiny bit. 

However stressful the job is I still want to do well because times are hard now and I can't afford not to have work. I thank God daily that I still have a job and I try to shush all the negative thoughts I have with work just to make it easier for myself to get up in the morning to work. I am once again on autopilot mode- I take it one day at a time. My rest days are what I look forward to every week, and counting down the days to it makes days past quickly somehow.

Aside from work there were also a lot of things going on with my friends. I've been to two weddings (and 2 bridal showers) just in the last quarter of this year; October was Em's and Pipay's just last Thursday. We helped out Pipay with her wedding and I now know how much work it takes to have a good one. If I am ever to get married I will hire a wedding planner :).  I hope my husband to be can afford one haha!

Next week it'll be Christmas and I haven't started shopping for gifts. No rest for the weary indeed! I hope January will be a quiet month for me, I need a breather! 

I'm beat. This week has been super busy at work. There weren't many calls but the e-mails from Hotels, associates and members never stop! Just today I left the office at 10pm just to finish all my pendings. I don't want to have to this every day!

On top of that my uber nice supervisor left the company just last Saturday. It's only been 3 days since he left but there have already been changes implemented for our team. Schedules, the way we do things have been changed. They say it's mainly to raise our team's efficiency, to make sure that it is apparent that we are still relevant to the company especially now that there's financial crisis. The last bit the management did not exactly say, but just want I understood from what she said. Wth the workload that we have I still wonder why we have to prove our relevance. ANYWAY. That's just tired, overwhelmed me talking.

Speaking of financial crisis, can you believe how massive it is?  Before it was just something that I am aware of but don't really care about because I don't feel it's effects much. But now I hear of lay offs from other companies, cancelled year end parties,  forced leaves, lessened work hours. I am now scared and I probably will not rest easy until my Epass is renewed. I can't afford to lose my job! If I do I will be living in the streets. So even if it's stressful at work I remind myself that I am lucky to have a job, say a silent prayer of thanks, take a deep breath and go right back to work. It works to a certain extent. If I all else fails my last resort is to find comfort in stick of yosi or a bottle of alcoholic drink.

So now it's almost 3 and I am still awake. Just finished my bottle of vodka cruiser and I am finally sleepy! I'm off for the next three days, yessss!!!! Three blissful days of waking up late and doing nothing!

Okay, I'm going to bed.

One last shoutout: Happy Birthday Pa. We still remember.

I’ve  been amiss in writing updates which is too bad really, considering that there's been  a lot of goings on with my life. Lemme rectify that!

August 28- September 11 I was on vacation in Manila, a year since I last went home. Man, a year is really too long! Manila hasn't changed, but my family and the kids have. A LOT.

I was there primarily for my father's death anniversary. We held a mass at his grave, just the family, then when we got home there were the ladies from church who also said some prayers. After that we served lunch to the guests, which was over 100 people! We almost run out of food. It finished early and we were all so tired we slept the afternoon away.

That evening was also the reunion concert of my favorite band Eraserheads. Before I bought tickets for my brother and myself I asked permission from my mother first if we can go since it was my father' anniversary. She let us, so we went. :) I know my father would've let me go if he were alive because he knew how much I loved the band. They only got to play one set (15 songs) before Ely had to be rushed to the hospital and I can still say that it was well worth it.

For the two weeks that I was there I was home most days. I only got to see Carlo and Ross and my best friend Tina. Despite that I can still say that it was my most productive vacation, and also the only time when I found myself not wanting to return to Singapore. In that two weeks I got my teeth fixed, bought a laptop, shopped a bit and most importantly, hung out with my family. 

It was great to be an aunt again, to be taking care of kids. I loved hanging out with my grown teenage nieces and going to malls with them. It was a great feeling to be a daughter again and be pampered by my mother. I loved being the only girl again with my brothers and hear their banter. True, there were times that I wanted to pull out my hair from exasperation but I generally had a great time.

I have a leave coming up because I was supposed to go to Cambodia. It doesnt look like it will push through so I'm thinking of going to Manila instead. IF I can afford it, I will.

Two different people told me on two different occasions that I looked tired. Haggard!

That's not good. I am tired but I thought it didn't show.

Must make an effort tomorrow!